Grief Stage 3

ANGER, BARGAINING AND GUILT
This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion as
frustration gives way to anger – I never really bottled up emotions, so in this stage I never really was angry.
I was upset and I was hurt, but I never ever hated HIM.
It’s not that Dr Anger never tried to make appointments for a visit every now and then, but hatred is not my nature anymore.
It’s long gone through other transformations and so Dr Anger came only for one day.
“Invite your enemies, sit down, make them coffee and let them speak. “
You don’t reason with them, you just let them talk and once they’ve finished talking, they are so exhausted, and so they might as well just leave again and never come back.
Hehe, like someone who tries to sell you central heating for your beach hut in the Caribbean!
One might rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" One might also try to bargain in vain for a way out of the despair.
Most of all, out of my sadness I tried to bargain for another chance to keep up this relationship.
I think, that sadness is quite an egoistic emotion. It seems to spring from the reaction of my ego that is not getting what it wants. My vain and ego driven bargains led me deep into guilt and left me even more confused about reality and myself.
Oh, one cannot imagine how guilty I felt and by searching for answers I reflected on me, putting myself even further down the line and taking all the blame for the break-up onto my shoulders.
It went that far, that even though HE let me down, I believed that I myself had let HIM down.
That although HE had never been honest with me, I was convinced that it was ME who had planted all these lies and fears into our relationship.
I ended up twisting the reality in my head and in my memory that much, that I lost absolute awareness of what was really going on.
Through apologizing and self-reproach I was trying to bargain for a second chance. Bargaining to get what I wanted, no matter what I had to pay for – even if it meant devalueing myself even further than I had done already! I found millions of ways and reasons what I shouldn’t have done, couldn’t have done, should HAVE done and been like, just to avoid the outcome of the break-up! I took all the responsibility for everything that had ever happened.
I was well prepared, but when I wanted to hand in the bargain in, when I finally faced HIM, there did happen something really strange.
My ego out of a sudden had vanished and within this very moment, there was me accepting the whole truth. The whole truth and deep down inside of me there was this warm feeling, knowing that this break-up will be the best one I will ever have.
This didn’t make sense to my mind at all, I can tell you that and HE probably was even more confused about the fact that there wasn’t me trying to bargain.
What happened? The guilt I was usually prone to carry around for everyone (hey, there is a hurricane in Tahiti, oh, must’ve been me being naughty again!) had just vanished, disappeared into nothing and there was nothing I wanted to bargain for.
I don’t know why or what, not yet, but I am sure I will find out.
There was nothing I wanted back at that very moment, although my life situation was in deep shit (excuse my French!).
This stage was a short stage, as I think it is a stage that touches our Ego, our Pride and our Vanity.
I had no anger and hatred to release. Neither against him, nor against myself, and my ego by now had shrunk into the size of a raisin. This stage was a matter of 3 days, but I didn’t know when Depression finally hit me, this would take much longer.