“The word “depressed” is spoken phonetically as “deep rest”. We can view depression not as a mental illness, but on a deeper level, as a profound (and very misunderstood) state of deep rest, entered into when we are completely exhausted by the weight of our own identity. It is an unconscious loss of interest in our story. It is so very close to awakening – but unfortunately rarely understood as such. Or as one friend put it, “depression has awakening built-in…”
- Jeff Foster –
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"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
During that time, I finally realized the true magnitude of my loss.
I fell into a hole, where I didn’t interfere with anything anymore.I let the sadness arise, and cease, I let emptiness hit me, dwelling up and ceasing away again. Sometimes, it felt unbearable and I thought it would never end. Was I doomed now to be unhappy for the rest of my life?
This was my life and there will be no happiness at all anymore. But I didn’t fight this feeling, I was kind of resentful, taking it all in. Emptiness and despair, nothing made fun anymore, even surf would have never made me happy at that stage!
I couldn’t eat, I could only sleep but I didn’t fight it anymore. I just took it as it came and I had no strength to do anything.
I withdrew from people, I wanted to be alone as other people’s energies or emotions felt unbearable.
I couldn’t even talk to people about it anymore, as there were no words that would have been able to describe it.
Then there was regret, yearning for the good days to come back, followed by deep sadness and my absolute isolation from the world.
The sadness in depression was really weird, as it seemed like it’s swallowing me and I was disappearing.
Nothing in this world was able to touch me at that state either. I was absolutely untouched by the sun, by the dogs playing, by people laughing.
When you in depression, you don’t need anything, as nothing in the world can make you happy so you enjoy the loneliness. It feels useful and I wouldn’t have been any good company to anyone either at that stage. I was avoiding other people because they exhausted me. I had things to work out, my own ones and not playing part in other peoples lives.
Occasional chats with good friends who knew me well and who have been through grieving in a wise way helped me to find courage to push through darker days until one day, there was reflection uprising.
It’s not that reflection is stepping in for depression; it’s more them both going hand in hand. If there wasn’t depression, there was reflection. Then there was depression again.
Reflections about what I had lost, looking at the past in all angles and when I thought I finally could see the whole picture in front of me, a wave of dark sadness over-ran me, flushed it all away and afterwards, there was nothing at all.
Like when u building a sand castle and out of a sudden there is a wave coming and leaves you with nothing than grains of sand…
I was thinking forwards and backwards, trying to find answers and all I found myself left with in the end was: lI DON’T KNOW NOTHING, AND I NEVER WILL.
There was no answer to the questions I was seeking, but when the depression got lighter, more revelations and reflections brought me something else.
Whilst I was turning in circles by trying to find answers about the past, I realised one day, that no matter the answers, the past was long gone and could it have been my mere fear about the future, which made me focus on the past rather than the future?
But then, was it truly fear about the future? I wouldn’t know what comes next, so how can I fear something that wasn’t there yet?
And I finally knew, that it wasn’t the fear about the future. It was the fear about letting the past go. I was attached to it, to the life I lived, the people I shared it with and although it wasn’t good for me, it was what I was used to. It was familiar and gave me security.
But it didn’t give me happiness and with letting the past go I had to admit to myself, that I had been wrong and made wrong decisions in the past.
This step isn’t easy either, as it strongly goes against our ego and against our meaning structure – the picture we have about ourselves, and no one wants to fail or be mistaken about things.
But here I tell you now: I WAS WRONG
I went against my nature in all those months and tried to run away from my spirit and myself. It was all bound to happen exactly the way it did, it was necessary as one cannot ever run away from oneself!
Now, my depression and sad moments are getting lesser. They come and visit me once a day, but only briefly, checking on how I am doing. If I wait and stop arguing with it, they leave again.
That’s when peace starts coming in.
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