MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

Every now and then we come across criticism, accusations and other people judging us. Especially in friendships and relationships and mostly when we fight.

Sometimes, we don’t realise, that most of these accusations and judgements don’t even have got to do anything with us. They are reflecting the accuser, rather than ourselves as when we are in contact with others, we are acting like a mirror. Every person we meet is acting like a mirror to us, they reflect us, the way we are and the way we behave.

And sometimes, when we don’t like what we see about ourselves, we project it onto our friends, partners or work colleagues, by criticising and accusing them in exactly these points.

I give you an example.

Whilst sorting out my emotional backpack in order to travel light and get rid of things and feelings I don’t need, I came across a little box.

I remembered it very well; it was one of the heaviest things in my bag, which had been weighting me down for some time now. In that box, there were 4 accusations:

1.   You are a coward

2.   You have back-up plans in order to run away

3.   You never trust

4.   You never commit

These were the things my ex-boyfriend gave to me some months ago and now I was sat there, wondering what to do with this.

I remember, when he gave them to me he made me cry. It hurt me, I thought he was right but now I was here, sitting calmly and centred and I am confused as all I could see here, was not him talking to me.

It was he who was projecting these things onto me, and it took me some time to realise this.

Everyone who knows me as a person knows that I am not a coward. I am very ‘fightful’, maybe sometimes way too much for the sake of good, but I would never run away from anything. Since I was born I had been facing a lot of challenges in my life, most of them I could have ran away from but I never did. I face friends’ anger; I face my fears, my demons and my bad emotions. I face jealousy and I can admit when I was wrong. I face being wrong and I am not scared to alter a course. Neither was I ever scared to go somewhere, move to places I have never been before and to let go of old beliefs and people. I am not perfect, but I am always willing to face my imperfection!

And let me tell you about back-up plans. They are not bad if we don’t cling to them, they only give me options. I never plan to bail out of a situation before I go in there. I am a very optimistic person and I never expect bad things to happen anyways (although they happen, no doubt) but I always play around with my mind. I play around with options and things, life is colourful, but that is all.

People who know me also know, that sometimes I even trust too much, rather than not all. I think a lot, sometimes I sort my own problems out with myself, but that has got nothing to do with mistrust. I am always open and show my feelings, open to talk about things, even if they are bad and currently, I have to admit, I have trusted way too much. I have trusted the wrong person and got disappointed and badly let down by exactly the person who had called my ‘untrustful’ but still here I was, facing it. Trust comes easy to me, as I don’t expect bad things to happen. And I know, that whenever bad things happen, they will subside again and good things will appear.

And everyone who knows me also knows, that I always commit to what I decide to do! If I start something, I want it to work but sure, if I find myself in the same unfruitful situations over and over again, I am not staying just for the sake of pushing through. When we are realising that we are fighting a battle that doesn’t get us anywhere, that won’t improve our situation or isn’t even OUR battle (but someone else’s), then why not just have the balls to leave the battle, put down the swords and chose! Coz this is when we realise if we are fighting for OUR dreams and of how much importance the victory of the battle is to us. There is no sense in wasting energy and health fighting for dreams that are not our own and for a victory that wouldn’t touch our hearts or at least fighting a battle that would improve our skills. In my mind, only a coward is staying in the wrong battles instead of fighting the ones that will lead him to his dreams!

Now looking back, all these 4 things apply very much to my ex-boyfriend, rather than me, and let me tell you something.

Being criticised is not a bad thing. We all should take it in openly, even if it hurts, but as important as it is to accept criticism openhearted, it is inevitable to check back with yourself.

Open your whole mind and heart to it, take it into your hands and look at it from each side and then openly decide, if this really applies to you.

It is important that we all do this, whenever we are getting accused or judged by anyone.

We need to check back with ourselves, if the criticism is honestly true or if this is only a misguided projection of our vis-a-vis who feels mostly offended by his own reflections we mirror him through our own behaviour and actions.

A good friend recently told me: “Most people say, it’s hard to be alone. But I find, it’s so much harder to be around people because all of them project all sides of us, also the ones we don’t want to see about us; our fears, our grief, our pain and our jealousy. And by us denying them, we end up hurting the ones we love…”

So everyone, check back whenever you getting criticised and even more important: check back with yourself before YOU criticise, judge or accuse someone close!

Right, JAMIE CATTO (click on the name to find out more), how did that go again?

“You such a bloody coward….like me!”

Now, this week’s gonna be fun :D

HOME

“Do what moves you and connects you to the deepest truth of yourself. Trust prosperity and passion over profit and comfort and the approval of others, because all the approval in the world is empty if it is for something your heart was never really in.“ Jeff Foster

Here is my confession: Looking back the whole last year what I remember mostly, was my deep yearning for home.

“I just wanna go home…” was the thought I had throughout, the words I said constantly but I wouldn’t know where that was.

I did have a plan on my mind and even fulfilling this didn’t make me feel at home at all. How was that possible?

I had a plan about where to settle down, what job to do and who to spend my love life with.

I tried to find myself with things my ‘life-frame’ had to offer. ‘Life-frame’, I use this word as a metaphor, as I think every lifestyle brings things with it. Possibilities it has to offer, like a certain picture. The pictures (lifestyles) are different and so are the boundaries (frames) and within these boundaries of the lifestyle I had chosen this year I tried to find a home.

But it didn’t work.

I started feeling very tired, I was tense and although I woke up every morning with a smile and ready to challenge the day, I couldn’t escape the fact that after a while I started to feel numb and extremely bored.

By the end of this year I felt half dead and wasn’t even really aware of this.

When the whole breakdown came and life hit me with its last resort, blasting me off my feet and bulldozing me with agony, I couldn’t escape but to face the truth:

I WASN’T HAPPY

And I would have never been with the lifestyle I had chosen to live.

I would have never felt at home, no matter how big the house would be we lived in, or how much money I made with the job I had lined up.

No car, no new jacket and no new bike would have made me feel home.

So, what was home? How could I reach it?

I found it, where I didn’t expect to find it at all.

It was right here, with me, all the time!

Home is in my heart and has been there all the time!

And to feel at home means to touch my heart!

To touch my heart means to do things I love! To fill my days with things that are and awaken my passion – make my eyes shine from deep within.

Passion is not collecting big cars, having a new Van or getting the latest fashion clothes. These are only things that create fear as we know they don’t live long and new cars will be out next year, so will be new fashion!

I was very lost for a long time, trying to find a place to call home, but what is a place without all the things that touch my heart?

Without that, it’s just a place… or a prison we build around our dreams – unaware they’re not that far away at all. It just takes some courage to let go.

Breaking out of the known is terrifying but I know it’s worth the risk as I have been there before.

It took me some time to remember what touches me. I had been away from home, from my heart, way too long and the way back home is rocky.

I know I just need to follow the sun, the endless beaches, the blue ocean, its glossy waves and the smell of surf wax, fresh coffee and the laughter of spirited and like-minded people.

It’s where I can do what I love, what my heart needs to express itself.

Where I can write and draw, where creativity awakes and where I am alive!

The idea 1 year ago was: Swapping that freedom for a life of security.

Now, 12 months later I have to admit, it was the most stupid idea in the world J

This time, I will swap a life full of so-called ‘security’ (working in a 9-5 job, becoming a weekend or holiday surfer, chasing a socially accepted career and dealing with the fear of losing all hard earned money) for a life what most people would call a life of ‘insecurity’. But within this ‘insecurity’ I find a security that nothing in this world can shatter.

There is nothing better than being yourself and doing things that touch your heart every day. It’s your rock, its something that takes fear, and fear is the price we pay for living the so-called life of ‘security’.

(By the way, everyone who does water sports knows that there is no way to become a weekend surfer, as nature’s got its own way and only every now and then blesses us with good conditions on our days off…its more like becoming a 3-weeks-off-1-day-on-4-weeks-off-snow-rain-winddead-for-another-2-weeks-but-by-then-ran-out-of-money-surfer)

I am going back into the water. I am going back into the sun, to the beach and going back into the waves.

One has to be happy! Truly happy and true happiness can only reside where we do things we love.

HOME IS WHERE WE CAN BE HAPPY BY DOING WHAT WE LOVE!!!!

LISTEN TO YOUR HEARTS, LIVE YOUR DREAMS, FOLLOW YOUR PASSIONS AND MOST OF ALL, CONQUER YOUR FEARS!

IF YOU SCARED OF SOMETHING – DO IT ANYWAYS :D

WE CANNOT BUILD FENCES AROUND OUR LIVES AND WE ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE!

LET GO- LIVE – LOVE – LAUGH – (and surf, hehe)

Grief Stage 5 and 6

THE UPWARD TURN OF RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

“Wait till it snows, Mali! We tie the snowboards behind the horses and let them pull us! You will love it!”

Now, after being through most of my depression I started to adjust to life. It became calmer and more organized. My physical symptoms like loss of appetite, tiredness and sadness lessened and my depression was lifting slightly.
I still felt absolutely lost, I didn’t know at all who I was anymore so how should I have been able to know where to go and what to do. At that very moment something came to me:

START WHERE YOU ARE

And I was finding ground and safety with Horse Back UK.
These people are one of the most spirited, funniest and most compassionate people I have ever met! They do what they love, life comes easily to them and they are very free of commercial and conformed fears!
No one is telling me, to not be a pansy. People like them have seen worse but would never put my own suffering down.
They are just there, doing what they love.
The day I came up to see their farm with my friend I was surprised. The the nature was outstanding. Rendered by sap green fields and embedded in even greener hills was a ranch. A farm, build with grey cobble stones like in ancient times was mounted in the middle of wildly coloured pine trees and horses had come from their fields to the gates to see who was turning up that early in the morning. The sun had just risen and a man in cowboy hat and boots came straight up towards me, shook my hand and smiled. He hadn’t said anything yet, but sure there was spirit.
I got introduced to even more spirited people and whilst everyone was carrying their smile around as if they had won the lottery, I kept quiet and watched grooming the horses.
“Right Mali, here this is your horse, I want you to do what I show you now, you be training that one.” The man in the cowboy hat said, handing me over the reigns of a brown, tall horse.
I backed away a bit. “I am not sure, I don’t really wanna do this, I am not in the best mood.” I spoke quietly and my voice ran even lower and got stuck in sobbing. I wasn’t sure why I was crying, but obviously someone inside of my heart made the decision that this was the right time for it.
“Why? There is a lot of people with anger out there. Don’t worry about the horse, you sort it out together!” The cowboy smiled at me.
“I am not angry, I am just really, really sad!” I sniffed my tears away that out of a sudden had come up.
“Yeah, I understand. I think that’s why you are here.” The Cowboy answered calmly but not less firm.
I thought for a second, sniffed and took the reigns.

Horses are great. I never thought I would say that, I haven’t been in contact with horses all my life, so why now?
Horses are strong. They endure harsh winters, harsh times, harsh treatment and harsh suffering. Horses forgive easily but will never forget. Horses represent freedom and independence, and even though they need independence and freedom, they are still herd animals and need to be close to their own. Horses are incredibly inquisitive, they are investigating everything (even the saddle of my bike) but most of all, they are sensitive!
Everything in their lives, whatever they do and learn is experienced through FEEL.
And this is how you work with horses. You FEEL.
Learning to feel again is not easy but you cannot ever connect with those animals by words or commands. You gain their trust and their devotion by aligning your feelings. I don’t know why, but working with an animal, which wouldn’t understand words (not like training a dog) leads you back to your inner core. It leads you back to yourself and gets you in touch with your heart and your own feelings.
Working with a horse without commands and words is an experience I think everyone in this world should do at least once in their lives.
Listening to what the horse feels and wants guided me back to who I really was.
People at horseback work with veterans, servicemen, who had bad accidents in life, been to war, seen things that none of us can imagine would exist. Some of them are missing limbs or simply just have brain disorders through all their experiences. But neither of them is giving up and they are striving to help others.
This is what the horses did to me, too.
They gave me the chance to open up, to feel and the greatest feeling of all is, when after trying to bond with a horse, which not exactly liked you at the start, it is following you wherever you are going - without reigns, without leads, by free will and deep connection. It gave me some of my self-esteem back and helping abandoned horses that cannot defend themselves gave me more – it gave me a purpose.
And another thing, which I learned from working with the horse:

One step at a time

You wouldn’t train a horse quickly, every single bit, every single change in their behaviour you have to see and recognize.
One step at a time, like in true life sometimes. Certain things need their time, one cannot rush through them as the connection and FEEL will be lost.
I now started to rearrange my life.
I found a job in a hotel with a very nice team and although I am sure this all is just a stepping-stone to something different, I am trying to concentrate on the present.
Thoughts about the future come up, every now and then, but I let them ride past, as it only creates perceptions and with that there will be fear – and I had enough fear and anxiety of someone else clinging to me the past year.
I am confident not to let that happen again as I am more aware of my own mistakes I made and I am sure, things will go differently from now on.

Grief Stage 4

“ ON DEPRESSION

“The word “depressed” is spoken phonetically as “deep rest”. We can view depression not as a mental illness, but on a deeper level, as a profound (and very misunderstood) state of deep rest, entered into when we are completely exhausted by the weight of our own identity. It is an unconscious loss of interest in our story. It is so very close to awakening – but unfortunately rarely understood as such. Or as one friend put it, “depression has awakening built-in…”

-       Jeff Foster –

-        

"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS

During that time, I finally realized the true magnitude of my loss.

I fell into a hole, where I didn’t interfere with anything anymore.
I let the sadness arise, and cease, I let emptiness hit me, dwelling up and ceasing away again. Sometimes, it felt unbearable and I thought it would never end. Was I doomed now to be unhappy for the rest of my life?
This was my life and there will be no happiness at all anymore. But I didn’t fight this feeling, I was kind of resentful, taking it all in. Emptiness and despair, nothing made fun anymore, even surf would have never made me happy at that stage!
I couldn’t eat, I could only sleep but I didn’t fight it anymore. I just took it as it came and I had no strength to do anything.
I withdrew from people, I wanted to be alone as other people’s energies or emotions felt unbearable.
I couldn’t even talk to people about it anymore, as there were no words that would have been able to describe it.
Then there was regret, yearning for the good days to come back, followed by deep sadness and my absolute isolation from the world.
The sadness in depression was really weird, as it seemed like it’s swallowing me and I was disappearing.
Nothing in this world was able to touch me at that state either. I was absolutely untouched by the sun, by the dogs playing, by people laughing.
When you in depression, you don’t need anything, as nothing in the world can make you happy so you enjoy the loneliness. It feels useful and I wouldn’t have been any good company to anyone either at that stage. I was avoiding other people because they exhausted me. I had things to work out, my own ones and not playing part in other peoples lives.
Occasional chats with good friends who knew me well and who have been through grieving in a wise way helped me to find courage to push through darker days until one day, there was reflection uprising.
It’s not that reflection is stepping in for depression; it’s more them both going hand in hand. If there wasn’t depression, there was reflection. Then there was depression again.
Reflections about what I had lost, looking at the past in all angles and when I thought I finally could see the whole picture in front of me, a wave of dark sadness over-ran me, flushed it all away and afterwards, there was nothing at all.
Like when u building a sand castle and out of a sudden there is a wave coming and leaves you with nothing than grains of sand…
I was thinking forwards and backwards, trying to find answers and all I found myself left with in the end was: lI DON’T KNOW NOTHING, AND I NEVER WILL.
There was no answer to the questions I was seeking, but when the depression got lighter, more revelations and reflections brought me something else.
Whilst I was turning in circles by trying to find answers about the past, I realised one day, that no matter the answers, the past was long gone and could it have been my mere fear about the future, which made me focus on the past rather than the future?
But then, was it truly fear about the future? I wouldn’t know what comes next, so how can I fear something that wasn’t there yet?
And I finally knew, that it wasn’t the fear about the future. It was the fear about letting the past go. I was attached to it, to the life I lived, the people I shared it with and although it wasn’t good for me, it was what I was used to. It was familiar and gave me security.
But it didn’t give me happiness and with letting the past go I had to admit to myself, that I had been wrong and made wrong decisions in the past.
This step isn’t easy either, as it strongly goes against our ego and against our meaning structure – the picture we have about ourselves, and no one wants to fail or be mistaken about things.
But here I tell you now: I WAS WRONG
I went against my nature in all those months and tried to run away from my spirit and myself. It was all bound to happen exactly the way it did, it was necessary as one cannot ever run away from oneself!
Now, my depression and sad moments are getting lesser. They come and visit me once a day, but only briefly, checking on how I am doing. If I wait and stop arguing with it, they leave again.
That’s when peace starts coming in.