Grief Stage 5 and 6

THE UPWARD TURN OF RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

“Wait till it snows, Mali! We tie the snowboards behind the horses and let them pull us! You will love it!”

Now, after being through most of my depression I started to adjust to life. It became calmer and more organized. My physical symptoms like loss of appetite, tiredness and sadness lessened and my depression was lifting slightly.
I still felt absolutely lost, I didn’t know at all who I was anymore so how should I have been able to know where to go and what to do. At that very moment something came to me:

START WHERE YOU ARE

And I was finding ground and safety with Horse Back UK.
These people are one of the most spirited, funniest and most compassionate people I have ever met! They do what they love, life comes easily to them and they are very free of commercial and conformed fears!
No one is telling me, to not be a pansy. People like them have seen worse but would never put my own suffering down.
They are just there, doing what they love.
The day I came up to see their farm with my friend I was surprised. The the nature was outstanding. Rendered by sap green fields and embedded in even greener hills was a ranch. A farm, build with grey cobble stones like in ancient times was mounted in the middle of wildly coloured pine trees and horses had come from their fields to the gates to see who was turning up that early in the morning. The sun had just risen and a man in cowboy hat and boots came straight up towards me, shook my hand and smiled. He hadn’t said anything yet, but sure there was spirit.
I got introduced to even more spirited people and whilst everyone was carrying their smile around as if they had won the lottery, I kept quiet and watched grooming the horses.
“Right Mali, here this is your horse, I want you to do what I show you now, you be training that one.” The man in the cowboy hat said, handing me over the reigns of a brown, tall horse.
I backed away a bit. “I am not sure, I don’t really wanna do this, I am not in the best mood.” I spoke quietly and my voice ran even lower and got stuck in sobbing. I wasn’t sure why I was crying, but obviously someone inside of my heart made the decision that this was the right time for it.
“Why? There is a lot of people with anger out there. Don’t worry about the horse, you sort it out together!” The cowboy smiled at me.
“I am not angry, I am just really, really sad!” I sniffed my tears away that out of a sudden had come up.
“Yeah, I understand. I think that’s why you are here.” The Cowboy answered calmly but not less firm.
I thought for a second, sniffed and took the reigns.

Horses are great. I never thought I would say that, I haven’t been in contact with horses all my life, so why now?
Horses are strong. They endure harsh winters, harsh times, harsh treatment and harsh suffering. Horses forgive easily but will never forget. Horses represent freedom and independence, and even though they need independence and freedom, they are still herd animals and need to be close to their own. Horses are incredibly inquisitive, they are investigating everything (even the saddle of my bike) but most of all, they are sensitive!
Everything in their lives, whatever they do and learn is experienced through FEEL.
And this is how you work with horses. You FEEL.
Learning to feel again is not easy but you cannot ever connect with those animals by words or commands. You gain their trust and their devotion by aligning your feelings. I don’t know why, but working with an animal, which wouldn’t understand words (not like training a dog) leads you back to your inner core. It leads you back to yourself and gets you in touch with your heart and your own feelings.
Working with a horse without commands and words is an experience I think everyone in this world should do at least once in their lives.
Listening to what the horse feels and wants guided me back to who I really was.
People at horseback work with veterans, servicemen, who had bad accidents in life, been to war, seen things that none of us can imagine would exist. Some of them are missing limbs or simply just have brain disorders through all their experiences. But neither of them is giving up and they are striving to help others.
This is what the horses did to me, too.
They gave me the chance to open up, to feel and the greatest feeling of all is, when after trying to bond with a horse, which not exactly liked you at the start, it is following you wherever you are going - without reigns, without leads, by free will and deep connection. It gave me some of my self-esteem back and helping abandoned horses that cannot defend themselves gave me more – it gave me a purpose.
And another thing, which I learned from working with the horse:

One step at a time

You wouldn’t train a horse quickly, every single bit, every single change in their behaviour you have to see and recognize.
One step at a time, like in true life sometimes. Certain things need their time, one cannot rush through them as the connection and FEEL will be lost.
I now started to rearrange my life.
I found a job in a hotel with a very nice team and although I am sure this all is just a stepping-stone to something different, I am trying to concentrate on the present.
Thoughts about the future come up, every now and then, but I let them ride past, as it only creates perceptions and with that there will be fear – and I had enough fear and anxiety of someone else clinging to me the past year.
I am confident not to let that happen again as I am more aware of my own mistakes I made and I am sure, things will go differently from now on.